I wonder if I ever caught someones attention. Even if I was just walking among the crowd, I wonder if they wanted to get to know me or anything like that.
ive missed you a lot. parts of me are still in shock after all this time. i found someone else to love but it still doesn’t ease the pain, i guess cause the way things are going for us isn’t much better. i blame you for it. i know i shouldn’t but i do. ive always felt like i wouldn’t have to deal with these other heartbreaks if you would’ve stuck it out with me. i was young… i was mature for my age but that didn’t mean i couldn’t act stupid from time to time.
i wasn’t perfect. i was super shy & every time you asked me how i felt about you i could feel butterflies in my stomach & my chest would start to burn. i was scared of pushing you away. after all, whether you loved me the way i wanted you to or not, just because we were okay with our age difference didn’t mean anyone else would be.
you said id always be your little baby & i really kept hoping it was true. you have no idea how fast my heart dropped when i woke up that morning. it’s crazy because a month before that i told you id lose my mind if something ever happened to you. you told me you loved me and no matter what, id always be yours. it’s like you knew. you knew you were gonna rip my heart to shreds and walk out on me. on all of us…i mean let’s face it. i wasn’t the only one heartbroken at first. i felt dumb. played. i became petty. i didn’t give a fuck… a few days later i tried to commit suicide. not just over you, but because i felt like everybody i loved was walking away or God was taking them away. i don’t know. ive just never felt a hurt that bad.
im almost 21 now. times flown by. i graduated high school & now im only a few months away from graduating college. i started my own company & to be honest, it’s not doing all that great yet. i know it’ll take time but it’s so discouraging. im nervous about the REAL real world. especially with you not here to give me advice like you used to. you have no idea what those night long conversations meant to me.
i keep wondering if i fckd up. like maybe i pushed too hard to make you mine. at the same time i feel like i didn’t prove i wanted you enough. sometimes i felt like a pest. i felt so inadequate. i wish you would’ve at least told me what was up instead of the story you gave. im pretty sure you read the letter i sent you begging you to just come forward & tell me you were alright. i would’ve kept it a secret. i just needed to know for my own well being. i would’ve forgiven you if you would’ve just came back. not that you care about forgiveness though.
you did a lot for me and for that i thank you. we shared stories with each other and made our own experiences with one another. you’ve influenced the way i carry myself even though i still have a lot to improve on. im proud to be me & love who & what i love freely.
no one will understand what i saw in you. maybe not even you. but i do. and that’s enough for me…
I don’t have a lot of friends, nobody begs me to stay when I have to go, I rarely get messages, nobody tells me they need me, and nobody waits for me to come online. But none of that really matters to me because the only thing I care about is making people smile. If I can just make 1 person smile each day, even just a tiny smile that lasts a split second, nothing else matters.
With time comes change. So am I mad you’ve changed? No. I’m mad you’ve changed for the worst.
Is it selfish of me to hope that I die before my partner? I just know I’d never be able to cope with the love of my life being taken away from me forever… but I also know it’s not fair to leave them… to want to leave them… before they have the chance to leave me.
I’ve been in a bad mood since like 2007
he who studies books alone will know how things ought to be, and he who studies men will know how they are.– Charles Caleb Colton
if you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with love of herself; all that runs over will be yours.– Charles Caleb Colton
if we were kids, id have the black k swiss & reebok; if we were kids, i wouldnt act like this - but we not– Childish Gambino, Kids (Keep Up)